in other words: signs i might be clinically depressed lol. but for real, do others feel this way more than we talk about? most of my days, it is extremely hard to find joy. it's been this way for as long as i can remember, certainly long before the political disaster we're in here in the US. i've had clinical anxiety for all of my adulthood, and i'm pretty sure most, if not all of my childhood (underdiagnosed until adult), but this is an extra thing that i've never known if perhaps it is depression or just being a human.

ANYWAY. the feeling is this: i will have these tiny miniscule moments of pure joy that i know will expire, but i try to feel them for as long as consciously possible. today i had it, the first time in maybe a week or two. i stopped what i was doing to try and examine why the joyful feeling came about. was i thinking something nice? was i experiencing something enjoyable with my senses? what could it be? well, i was on a walk, and i did just hear two gorgeous coopers hawks calling to each other from across the street. could it have been that? i've observed birds for so long, and have never correlated that to the joy. this feeling is almost like a drug. like when it's administered, you aren't really in control of your own self anymore, the drug is. because let me tell you, birding DOES absolutely make me happy, but by just observing birds, i don't feel this... high.

then i was thinking... is it my hormones? did i just get a burst of some hormone i'm otherwise lacking or depleated of, and the delivery system that pumps these hormones is faulty so sometimes it works but most of the time it doesnt?? maybe. i've always felt like i'm faulty, so it's so easy to come to that conclusion. and i've been easy prey to people who have said that antidepressants would fix this. or supplements, or vitamins. from my experience, they dont really help when you're just by default a faulty unit (not to say that these methods don't help anyone! i was on ssri's for a long long time, and currently the anxiety meds i'm on are fabulous). but maybe this is what having a rush of dopamine feels like. or oxytocin. or endorphines?

in addition to my describing it like a drug, it also feels like i can--for a brief moment-- do anything. ANYTHING!. it's probably the best damn feeling i have. anxiety is completely nonexistent. i'm lighter, i'm bouncing on my heels. i'm happy, i feel like i can accomplish all my goals. nothing is foggy, or muddled. i'm convinced i can lift a car. that's the feeling. and then, in a flash it's gone again.

i hope someone out there gets it. well, not gets it, i dont want anyone to have this. but just gets it. and i hope one day i find at least some things that trigger this feeling. because then i'd like to keep doing those things. i want to find more joy in life. it's short. might as well!

i've been listening to their KEXP recordings; they're just so good. i've listened to a good amount of kexp shows and other live studio shows, and sometimes i do a little inward cringe at some of the vocals from some bands (wont name names lol) because they just sound so different from their studio sound, but not RIDE! they're freakin great.

i've seen RIDE only once, and that was in 2018 for the cure's 40th anniversary show at hyde park in london. and to be honest, i loved them, but my goal was really trying to secure a good spot at the park for the moment the cure finally came out XD. but now, my love for ride has really cultured over time, so i guess what i'm saying is it would be great to see them again in LA (or anywhere lol).

anyway, if you're so inclined, here's some KEXP videos of RIDE.

since january, i've been trying to write my own music. it's hard. idk how singer/songwriters do it?! i consider myself a musician, as i've been playing a wind instrument for over 20 years now, and piano not extremely well but well enough for even longer. but music composition and lyric writing are something else!

every once in a while i will get a melody in my head, and try to lay it out on my midi keyboard, try to layer it with accompanying instruments and whatnot, but i still have the most difficult time with what would be the vocal melody lol. so i have like 15 unfinished works just sitting here! what to do?

something i love about music is the way it transports you back to a special locked memory. it could be any kind of memory, like the first time you heard the song, or a time you heard it when you were with someone special, or if it was on a playlist you were listening to heavily during a specific season. it's wild. i love (most of the time) that music does this to us. the slim times when it actually is detrimental to hear a song because it brings up too much pain also exists, but even that is powerful.

the memories that come up for me with regard to ride are all within the last 9 or so years, when they reemerged from their long long hiatus to bless us with "Weather Diaries". since then, they've had two more records that have been equally wonderful. i remember hearing Lannoy Point for the first time... OMG. the memory that comes up when i hear that is just my jaw on the floor impressed with what i was hearing. the sound drew me in like a siren song. the next album "This is Not A Safe Place" was one of my absolute favorites during the pandemic lockdown. as much as i hate thinking about some aspects of the lockdown, the music that kept me company was so comforting.

my (truncated) ride playlist:

• lannoy point
• seagull
• leave them all behind
• like a daydream
• weather diaries
• in this room

i'm starting to get this website in a place that i want it to be in... it's not quite where i had it in my head, but it's going in the direction at least.

so i haven't played around with html for fun in close to 20 years (yes, myspace). so this is actually amazing that not only neocities exists, but that i somehow happened upon it several months ago. it took me that long to finally decide to make a site. i didn't really know what to put on here for a while. but then i realized, it could just be a collection of memories and things-- that seems to be what a lot of people use this place for.

i named this site "true afterthoughts" after the once popular defunct mall retail store afterthoughts. the concept of missing a store is both weird but also relatable for many of us, i imagine. i miss it because it was really emblematic of a time that shall never come back. pretty simple.

random thought but who else loved the plasticy smell of my little ponies back in the day?? here's a gif of my banana surprise. i love her.

i may not update this often, so don't expect much! but my interests are ever expanding, just as quickly as the internet at large is becoming an inhabitable space... so it's likely i'll find solace here?? idk. we'll see how much time i dedicate to this!

god, this is already becoming a cliche first journal entry.

i guess i can start with some things that i'm enjoying right now, because what are we if not consumers?

right now i'm enjoying:

• book: the bones beneath my skin by tj klune
• tv show: deli boys
• album: you seem pretty sad for a girl in love by olivia rodrigo
• movie: voicemails for isabelle